The Women of My Life

The women of my life are--well--why even go there? Why do I behave the way I do: It is for the sex, For kicks, Because I can, Or am I so lonely that I'm just taking on any person I can, being with one after the next--becoming the guy I swore I would never be--to be satisfied for a night and feel a little bit better about myself, while escaping the emotion for another day and eluding the pit of guilt and shame within my stomach to fall asleep and wake up with a fake, coated smile?

It should go as no surprise that I'm afraid to be alone. Yet as most things are, the more I think about it the more it seems to come to fruition. I feel enabled to push everyone close to me away, then bitch and moan to myself that I'm not a good friend, saying that they deserve better. A quick fact about me: I've never kept a close friend for more than 3 years. How can that happen? How can I even explain that? Better yet, why do I keep doing it? Lots of reasons.

I know what you're thinking--and you're more than likely right--that this is another self-pity, guilt trip that I'm putting on for myself: another whine; another bitch and cry; another look-at-me-I'm-sad-give-me-sympathy-help-me plea. I'm not denying it. I've been doing it a lot and I haven't stopped. My confidence has been so low that it's pretty much nonexistent. It's hard to find anything positive anymore that I'm willing to jump to the first positive notion that comes (whether it really is or not) because I'm afraid another one won't come again anytime soon.

Does this make me desperate? I don't know how to answer that. I ask myself that question expecting to give a yes or no answer with maybe some explanation, but I keep getting nothing. All I can do is just stare at the question and wonder, "Maybe this is an example of how lost I really am." I'm a poor decision-maker. I'm so afraid to make another decision because I worry that it'll get me into a bigger mess than the one I'm already in. So, I came up with a pathetic way to try to get me out of it, by trying to find someone to make decisions for me. I've never felt so dependent before. I don't know how to react, or cope.

What's worse: someone who lies, or someone who lies to himself? Is there a difference? Is it too late being honest when everyone, including yourself, doesn't believe a single word I say anymore? I use so much ambiguity that my life seems to be stringed by one embellishment after another. Hell, for what it's worth, this whole post could be an embellishment. I promise to you it's not, but who am I to be a reliable source.

RANT RANT, ramble, ramble,
Life is just a gamble.

There's so many women I wish I could have--ones that really would have been good for me. Yet as the cliché goes, the ones you always want the most are the ones you can never have. In my case, they're the one who are either married, deeply committed to a relationship, or worse of all not even interested. This is one reason I dislike having crushes. It never goes well and it's very discouraging. It's pointless for me to even have a crush because I can never keep it secret. In fact, I'm very sure that my crush knows that I have a crush on her. What's more frustration is that thinking of her makes me wish that I had never left KC. The thought of "what-if" always comes to mind. But why dwell on the what could have been, especially when I am nowhere near her type, nor even a speckle of interest to her? No matter how much I swell whenever I see her, think of her, or have the rare occasion to talk to her, I have to push myself away and say that it will never be anything more. Even if there was anything between us, it'd just become the same as all my relationships become: an easy attraction that eventually leads me to having you, I think that I'm falling for you as I try to make you my everything, then I start wanting more, I become bored and move on.

There is the Truth,
And there are Excuses.

And with excuse after excuse, flashing a smile and a dimple, I stare cold into your eyes and lie without flinching to have you feel safe and comfortable, letting you think that everything will be OK--that I can be trusted--regardless of the countless times I've admitted how much of a bastard I am. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel guilty doing it, but apparently guilt doesn't stop me from doing it more and more. I could tell you why I do it but I'd just be making more excuses. You've already heard enough, as it is.

So, what can be said about the women of my life?

A Dialogue With My Bed: In the Doghouse

"Hey baby, I know it's been a while since I've last seen you. I've been busy--you know, school, work, homework, family. It's just much easier to do it downstairs instead of my room."

"Yea, I do have a desk in here, but I'm going to be tempted to cuddle with you if I'm close to you. It's just better for me if I just sorta distance myself from you. I really need to get good grades."

"What? The couch? No, baby, she has nothing to do with it. You know you're the one I like to lay on and spend my time with."

"I don't know why you're overreacting! Nothing's happen, love. I haven't been anywhere near the couch."

"Oh, baby, don't listen to everything you hear. It's all just talk--none of it's true. Everyone is just saying that to just hurt you. Don't let it get to you. Now come here and lets--"

"Why you acting this way? There's no reason for it. Ok, maybe, I've spent a few nights with the couch, but nothing happened--nothing. I was just really tired and I needed a place to crash, you know, after long nights of studying. No reason to be mad. I would have told you earlier but it was nothing and I didn't want to upset you."

"Come on, baby. I love you. You're my girl. So, let me just lay on your comfy pillow-top and lets catch up on some lost time."

"Why are you doing this? I thought we talked about this. Nothing happened, love! Don't worry to much about it, I'm here with you now. I'm not going anywhere."

"OK! Fine! I get the hint. I'll leave, but I'll be around. Once you're thinking rationally again, just give me a call."

Five minutes later after walking downstairs.

"Hey, couch, I just thought I come by. Yea, another late night. Been at the library all night studying. Oh, baby, you read my mind. Can't wait to stretch out my whole body on you."

"No, not you, too."

END

Hello, Stranger. Did You Miss Me? How About a Poem?

Ok, so I've been saying for a long time that I was going to post on the blog more than I have been in my last post. As you can see, I've been slacking in that promise because, well, I suck at motivating myself. But that's going to change--I think--so, just nod your heads and just say, "YES! We can Change!" Please excuse the terrible Obama reference.

So, to get down to business of why I've just out of nowhere decided to make a blog posting. I wrote a sonnet very recently that sort of reveals a lot of "feelings" (I couldn't think of a better word, so I just went with the ole generic one) about someone that I wish I could have got to know more and establish more of a relationship with (a missed connection you could say).

So, here it goes. Please feel privileged to read this because I hardly let anyone read my poetry, not to mention do I ever post it for public reading. I hope you enjoy, and please don't be afraid to make comments (constructive or deconstructive) on here or on my Facebook since most of everyone who will be reading this (if anyone) will be people who followed the link from my FB status. With that said, enjoy!

And no I will not say who the poem is about.

Black and Spotlight

Bare me the time to confess
To you that upon first sight
All I hoped was to impress
You by being your spotlight.

Your eyes capture the beauty
That you surround yourself with.
Through Black and White, I can see
That spark within you, that depth.

For all that's sound, you're its beat.
You move, it moves. You're smile's
The chorus that always bleats
On, on, and on for miles.

Now here I stand, your eyes upon mine.
I wonder if you know why I shine.

For those who find this sappy, I apologize. But it is a sonnet folks, and this is only my third revision of it, so it is more than likely going to go through more changes.

Adios for now. We'll talk more, soon?

Back with a Vengence Along with Some Great New Tunes

It has been just about 6 months since I have last made a post. The reason for this is because I haven't been inspired to do so, or to put frankly, I've been too lazy. I've abandoned a lot of things about myself and haven't been doing what should be good for me and instead have always been doing things more for someone else. Is this selfish? Maybe. But, maybe I've just been too selfless for too long. I haven't been very happy about a lot of things about myself lately, and what's even worse is that I haven't really done anything to change it. Perhaps it's time that I actually go through with something, fully commit to myself, maybe even do something outrageously spontaneous--or maybe I'll just take it one step at a time. More importantly, I shouldn't delay, procrastinate, nor abandon what I love doing the most. I cannot even think when was the last time I actually sat down and wrote a story, nor can I think the last time I produced a poem. Songs come and go in my head, but I never bother to write them down. This madness has to stop! I can't just waste away anymore. It's time I be about me more, instead of dwelling about me. For the first time in a long time, I've thought of a new short story that I want to write, and I'm very excited about it. I can't wait to actually start writing it. As much I want to rush into, I'm not. That's always been my mistake in the past, and for once, I'm not going to do it. For a while, I've thought I've abandoned this blog and thought that it was useless to begin with, but that just goes to show how much little I know. But, enough with this Soap Opera drama, lets talk tunes.

Every once in my job, we have chance to pick up free albums of artist of so many different genres. Some are just great picks and steals to have, while others are just not worth having, even if they are for free. A few days ago, I had the chance to pick up a few good ablums, while one was just about to blow me away in more ways than I can think to explain.

VAMPIRE WEEKEND
CONTRA

I was pretty excited when I picked up this album, considering how much I liked their debut self-title album and the first single, "Cousins" , released from this album. Turns out, Contra is not that impressive of an album. It has some songs on it, but it seems with this album that they are trying to turn a new direction with things and are sort of moving away from the riffs, like "A-Punk", that made this band so popular in the first place, that made them so energetic and so different to listen to. In Contra there are some songs like "Giving Up the Gun" that gives the album a more "pop-feel", not that there isn't wrong with that, but it's just not my "cup of tea" and sometimes almost completely turns me off to some bands. Regardless of that, the album is still very different and innovative, and I really enjoyed some of the songs like "White Sky". It's probably not an album that I would make my way to go out and buy, but I do enjoy the rough cut copy that I received for free.

PASSION PIT
MANNERS

I remember the first time I heard this band performing on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" about a year ago. From the opening sequence of "The Reeling" of which they performed on the show, I was immediately hooked and incredibly impressed. For the next few months I would occasionally go to their Myspace and listen to the given songs they would upload on the site--NOTE: this was before I knew that I could listen to full albums on Myspace. Soon, they would receive air play and hype from the local alternative radio here in KC (96.5 The Buzz) as they were due to come into town and perform at The Beaumont with Owl City. If you can recall, Passion Pit never perform at that show because of the Beaumont-Lighting-Rig-Almost-Falling-On-Passion-Pit's-Sound-Guy-Debacle. Regardless of that "event" Passion Pit eventually did come back to KC and performed much to everyone's delight--or so I heard. Out of the three albums, this was the first one I decided to listen to because of the songs that I heard before and the energy that emerges from their songs. The opening song "Make Light" was a great song to start off with, as you're hit with that energy and light of their music right away. I do understand that Passion Pit's material is not favored to the taste to everyone, just like Vampire Weekend--you either love 'em or hate 'em, but there is something about Passion Pit that just does it for me. The one thing that sort of pulled me away from the album was the fact that half of the songs were great and I could listen to over and over again, while the other half just seemed like fillers for the album. A lot of the music just seen to mesh in and in a way seemed repetitive, but that is what the "Next Track" button is for. Songs like "The Reeling", "Sleepyhead", and "Little Secrets" are just high energetic songs, in my view that I just can't help but turn that dial--or move my thumb in a clockwise circle if using an iPod--to hear every single note of those songs played. Would I go out and buy the album or buy it on iTunes? Maybe, but this is more likely worth a song-by-song purchase. I look to forward to hear more from these guys and surely hope they don't fade away.

MUMFORD AND SONS
SIGH NO MORE

I was very excited to start listening to this album because of how much I love their single "Little Lion Man". To be completely blunt, WOW, just WOW. I am in love with this album and it might be partially due to my growing love for folk-rock music like City and Colour and William Elliot Whitmore (who I great recommend you give a listen, because they are both great). I truly cannot get enough of these great songs, starting from the album-titled track that starts the album to the very last song. The only thing about Mumford and Sons is that they are differently a band that you have to be in the mood to listen to. It's like Nirvana or Classical Music for me. I'm not comparing these genres of music to someone like Mumford and Sons, but I say what I said because through the album there songs do not vary much. For a lot of people its a musical "turn-off"--as it is sometimes for me--but for this album I don't get that feeling. Some people will probably listen to this and think that a lot of the music just meshes together and I can understand that, but I urge that it is worth listening to. Coincidentally, Mumford and Sons are coming to KC to perform at the Record Bar next week; unfortunately, it's sold out. However, if you are awake and don't have to go to school and/or work like I do in the very early morning Wednesday June 16, you can see them perform an acoustic set at Firefly Lounge at Westport--I really wish I could go to both! In the foreseen future, I'm going to buy this album as the "free" one I have does not have the "Little Lion Man" single in it--and that song is a must have! If you have not listen to Sigh No More yet, I absolutely urge you to listen--you will love it!

I know that these albums have been out for a while and most people who read this--that is if anyone is reading what I have to say--will sigh, roll their eyes, and say, "Duh, Jarrad, I don't need you to reiterate what I already know," but in my view and as I have said before I'm just catching up with a lot of things, I've just buried myself with so much that I never bothered to get out of it, and a great way to dig yourself out of any depression, rut, or slump is a great sample of music to remind you about better, brighter times, maybe even reconnect a forgotten memory. If anyone hasn't listened to any of these albums, you should give them a listen. It feels so good to write in this blog again. It's hard to makes promises, but I will try to keep a promise to myself to never abandon writing, whether it's in my notebook, my computer, songwriting, or on this blog. Thanks for reading!